Drifting…..
That’s what it felt like. Everything was dark. It
made it impossible to identify my surroundings.
Behind me, it was pitch black. It swallowed up
everything in its path. My fears, my dreams -
every hidden desire I’d kept close to my heart.
I could feel it all slipping away. There was no
light. I felt as if somehow, I had been cheated.
Why did others get to see it when I got nothing?
I wanted to escape it all. I closed my eyes but
the blackness continued to fill my senses. My mind
pounded as if it was about to shatter into a
million pieces. Memories swirled through my brain
and then faded away, sucked into oblivion.
Whenever I grasped the floating tendrils of one
image, it was instantly replaced by the next.
My mind switched off. It was too much to handle. I
was so tired…..
I sit in my usual position. The one on top of the
old pine cupboard that gives me a view of the
entire room. The cupboard is empty and every time
I bang my feet against it, I hear nothing. I
pretend I hear a hollow echo but it’s all in my
head.
The curtains are drawn against the night. All I
can see of the outside world is a sliver of
moonlight creeping through a gap in the fabric
where the edges should meet. The moon is full
tonight. When the moon is whole, the heavens shine
brighter. I sometimes think if I look a little bit
closer, I can see through our galaxy and into the
next.
An uncomfortable silence is settling over the
house. It creeps slowly from one side to the
other, eating away every trace of day time drama.
Everyone is asleep. I’ve been here long enough to
know what it feels like. Silence wraps itself
around sound the same way a boa constrictor does
its victim. It won’t reach where I’m sitting. If
it did, I’m not sure that I’d even know.
There is a sound from below. It’s the same one
I’ve been listening to the past few weeks. It’s
slight and quiet, the muffled sound of thin
blankets getting hopelessly twisted around ankles.
Soon after, there is an almost inaudible whimper.
It begins to fill the room, humming gently until
it rises to a cry. A name is called, over and
over. People would wonder why but I know why that
name.
I watch, unable to move. Every night is the same
as the one before and there’s nothing I can do
about it.
I turn away, urgently trying to block out the
cries. The thick navy curtains that covered the
bedroom window were swaying softly in the gentle
breeze. They moved backwards and forwards making a
slight swishing sound. Reaching out, I let the
harsh fabric brush past my finger tips. I closed
my eyes, waiting to feel the rough texture.
Nothing.
A sudden cry burst into my thoughts, touching me
deeper than anything I had ever heard.
I see him, tossing and turning in his sleep as if
there is no escape. His fists clench the blankets
so tightly they glow a soft white. The dimples in
his cheeks seem to cave in as he screws up his
face.
Unknown to him, I move to kneel by his side. I
reach out a hand, wishing I could stroke his cheek
and give him what little comfort I can. My right
fist is clenched as tight as his. I wish I could
thrust my hand inside his soul, grasp the hurt,
the pain and pull it free from his body. I want to
so bad.
Every night, I watch Ryan go through the same
torment as he tosses and turns, trying desperately
to battle his demons. I’ve even seen them, I’ve
travelled inside his nightmares.
I can do that. I can hop in and out of them
whenever the mood suits me. However, I don’t like
to. Dream travelling in the cosmic equivalent of
reading someone’s diary. When people are asleep,
all their defences drop and you are seeing their
secret desires. There’s also another catch. Once
you start, invading dreams, it’s a habit that you
can’t seem to break.
The dreams I’ve seen are every colour of the
rainbow. It all depends on what he is dreaming and
the emotions involved. Ryan’s dreams are different
shades of blue tinged with whispy clouds of pink.
The colours mingle and enfold each other, spilling
forwards in waves. Occasionally, there are
speckles of red in amongst the blue. Touching
them, I can feel the passion they add to the
mixture.
Sometimes the red rolls over the top of everything
else and suddenly disappears. Other times, the
pink invades the heart, blocking every colour
which tries to break free. Often, his dreams are
so peaceful you can get carried away in the
silence and safety of them.
If I dream travel into a nightmare, I remove
myself quickly. At first, Ryan’s nightmares are
just like dreams. They seem harmless, full of
colours, clouds and passages of light. Then they
change.
A dark shadow appears on the horizon like a coming
storm. It’s all the thoughts Ryan suppresses by
day, wishing he could magically erase them but
that’s not what happens. They fester inside his
soul until they take over. They escape from the
darkness and ooze over into his dreams.
His nightmares create another world. They are
colours all jumbled up weaving viciously in and
out of each other. His shadow is so persistent
that it’s turned from grey to black over time. It
hangs overhead, pushing the colours into each
other until they become one entity and his entire
world is black.
I don’t like being in them. I avoid them at all
costs. The first time I entered one, I thought I
would never get out again. It may even have been
possible to lose my way and be trapped inside
forever. The emotions stirred up my soul like the
descent of a rollercoaster. There was no air to
breath. There was no room to move. Nowhere to run.
It felt as if I was dying all over again. For me,
it was the most terrifying thing I have ever
experienced. It paralysed me with fear….
We were driving back to town after a party.
Ryan was squinting into the night, taking care on
the road. I was flicking radio stations and Laurel
was asleep in the back.
In disgust, I turned the radio off. There was
nothing on. Reaching out, I began to tap a tune on
the dashboard, humming under my breath. I also got
bored very quickly.
Ryan smiled. He knew what I was like during car
trips. As a child, I was one of those horrors who
hung over the seat shouting ‘are we there yet?’
every five minutes.
“The tapes are on the back seat if you can reach
them,” Ryan said.
We were almost back to the town limits when I
reached between the seats. My fingers just fell
short. I undid my seatbelt.
“Hey Maddie, don’t do that.”
“I’ll just be a sec.”
Ryan mumbled something about waiting until he
pulled over but I ignored him. He placed a hand on
my arm as I tried to pull the tapes into the
front. They were now out of reach so I
turned
around.
A small dog chose that moment to wander onto the
road. Ryan had taken his eyes off the road for a
second to look at me and didn’t see.
“Ryan, don’t hit him!”
In surprise, he slammed on the breaks and swerved
right. The dog scampered away as we skidded
towards the middle of the road. Ryan tightened his
grip on the wheel. I was suddenly flung into the
passenger door. The breaks screeched with the
effort to stop but they never seemed to catch. Out
of control, we spun off the road and towards a
clump of trees.
Laurel was awake, her screams filling the silence.
Ryan’s knuckles were white from the strain he was
putting on them and panic filled his eyes. I felt
a dizzy beat begin in the front of my head. Every
way I turned, I saw blurred colours.
Then they stopped.
We hit a tree side on. I heard the crunch of
compacting metal and broken glass as it rained
down on us. My head bounced against the door again
and I turned to look at Ryan. He was slumped
forward in his seat, held in place by the
seatbelt. He wasn’t moving. I raised a hand to
touch him. Pain shot through my joints and I felt
the trail of blood streaming down my face. I could
taste the metallic tinge of it resting on my lips.
My brain was exploding and it hurt to breath. A
heartbeat bounced from ear to ear. Maybe it was
mine. Every where I looked, I saw red. I leaned
carefully against the mangled dashboard and closed
my eyes. The darkness came out of nowhere but I
welcomed it.
