In the darkness, the girl could see nothing but what she held in her hand. Feel nothing but the mass of emotions that were coursing through her veins. They threatened to take over every inch of her mind. Nothing made sense. Nothing mattered. What the hell – she didn’t care anyway.

            What was the point? Her life no longer existed. Love, friendship, truth, trust. They all seemed to belong to some far away world. Deep inside, she believed she would never possess the special key to this place. She used to, or so she thought. Now, she felt it had all been a lie.

            She had always known what she wanted. Then the world around her fell away. One day, it was wonderful – the next, slowly crumbling and falling apart beyond her control. Nothing she did stopped it. In the end, she decided just to fall with it.

            Death crept into her mind. Before, it didn’t exist. She had all the love she could possible wish for. Suddenly, it was brutally snatched away, only to be replaced with pain and suffering. It was all real and the shock had begun to unravel her mind. Every piece of evidence and truth in her world had been shattered.

            The outside had never crossed her mind before. Death was something that belonged to everyone else. It remained on the brink of her world but never seemed to have the audacity to enter and crush it. Then came the tidal wave. A wave bigger than she imagined and it stole her away.

            Her friend had died. Someone so gentle didn’t just die! Her faith and security had vanished. Her friend shouldn’t have died so young. She had a lot to offer the world and would now never get the chance. It was stolen from her before she had even really begun.

            After the dust had settled, she found out why. For some reason, her friend had been chosen to leave this life early. She remembered when they were little girls. Her friend had already decided that one day, she would be a heavenly angel and look down on everyone. She wanted to watch over everybody.

            The girl hung her head in shame. How disappointed this heavenly angel would be if she was watching now! What would she think?

            The frustration and confusion was closer to her heart. Closer than anyone could ever understand. When her friend dies, she accepted it. She put it all down to fate and the actions of a higher power.

            Sometimes she felt so down. She wondered if it all worth it. Of course, the next day the sun would shine and everything was wonderful. There was someone who didn’t feel the same way. For her, it all got too much and there was no spark at the end of the tunnel. Only a never ending darkness. The only thing she could see in her future was death.

            A troubled soul, she took that step that the girl was sitting her thinking of. It had all been brought sharply into focus. It felt as if she was lying to herself. It was all real and it seemed that when things got tough, you gave up the fight and accepted it. There was nothing you could do.

            She sat there, her eyes full of tears. She would never have dreamed of this before. This had never seemed a solution to her problems. Now it seemed the only one. It would be an end to all the lies. If her friend could do it, why not her? Why not release herself from this? What had she left to live for?

            Shaking, she looked down again at her hands. Taking a deep breather she closed her eyes and pictured it. She would be free at last. But she sat there, her mind troubled.

            The others. They would still be here, left to pick up her pieces. They were the ones who would suffer the consequences. How could she do that? What about her family? What about her friends? Didn’t she love them?            She wanted to leave her mark, to say that she made a difference. Was this making a difference? How could she throw all that away to become like her friend – another faceless, unknown statistic. She would be just another crying voice, lost in a huge sea of crying voices.

            Screwing up her face in indecision, she sat there. She thought what would be, what could be and what was. She held that power but the truth was, she didn’t want it. She wanted someone to show up and magically make her decision for her. But they couldn’t – it was all up to her.

            Suddenly, she stood up slowly, letting what she held fall to the floor. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she imagined throwing it all away. It scared her.

Carefully, she bent to retrieve what had been dropped. She could still hear the tiny tinkle as the pills had landed on the floor seconds earlier. Switching on the sink tap, she watched them drop down the drain. She did it slowly, counting each one and counting each thing she had to feel lucky about.

            The movement seemed so simple, but nothing was ever simple. Life was never simple.